Metamorphosis: When the End Becomes a Beginning...
If you’ve ever found yourself in the thick of the mess; heartbroken, scared, or feeling like the best chapters are behind you — this one’s for you.
If you know me, you probably know this story already. So please, indulge me. After all, it’s one that I hold close to my heart and one of my favorite stories to tell. :)
A Moment. That’s all it takes for life to change.
It crashes in like a wave you never saw coming and washes away everything you thought you were building. You’re at rock bottom, thinking it’s Game Over; but really, it’s just a plot twist in disguise.
It was the end of a dream. Of the plan. Of me. But, as it turned out, the universe wasn’t ending my story, it was just switching scenes.
And here’s the funny part: I kicked and screamed every step of the way. I fought the change with everything I had. Because let’s be honest, who actually likes change? It’s scary. Familiar feels like home. And home is supposed to be your happy place.
But the truth was… my home hadn’t been happy for a long time. My friends knew it. My family knew it. Hell, even the universe knew it and had grown tired of watching me stay stuck. Tired of seeing my fear of being alone keep me in something I had outgrown. Something that had been breaking me long before I had the courage to break free.
My marriage of over five years was over long before I discovered he was cheating. The signs were there; I just didn’t want to see them.
Midnight phone calls “from the past”
A mysteriously pre-populated Match.com login on my computer
The whispers down at the dock where we kept our boat
I buried my head in the sand out of fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of starting over. And of course, fear of leaving what I thought was “love.” I did love him. I wouldn’t have married him if I didn’t. But the man I thought I married wasn’t who he really was.
That’s the thing with narcissists; they put you on a pedestal until you start asking questions. Until you find your voice. And then suddenly, they’re tired of you. There was also the drinking. Not the fall-down kind, just a steady, relentless kind that never took a day off. I saw it before we got married. I convinced myself it would change. And of course, it didn’t.
And then one day that he just never came home. Swore he wasn’t cheating. Swore I was imagining things and then disappeared to live full-time on our 37-foot Sea Ray with his new girlfriend, the one I was still paying off with a 401(k) loan.
It was one of the lowest points of my life.
And the craziest thing is… I never think about it or him anymore- ever. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like it happened to someone else.
But this story isn’t about him.
Today, I found one of the journals I kept during that time. I opened it out of curiosity, and I was shocked. If it wasn’t my handwriting, I wouldn’t have believed it was me. I couldn’t believe what I tolerated. How cruel he was. How small I let myself become. And I couldn’t believe how far I’d come since then.
This story is about how in a moment, everything changed… and I never looked back.
It started with a message from a tennis player in the Hamptons. An impromptu visit to Match.com for a laugh.
I wasn’t looking for love. I was still technically married. And I had sworn I’d never do that again. But the universe, that sneaky little fella, was playing chess. And I didn’t even know I was on the board. He was moving the queen closer to her king, and I had no idea.
“I wasted my best years waiting for you to grow up,” I cried to my ex the night he left. You destroyed all my dreams. I’ll never have children now.”
And I meant every word. I was 37 and a half. Practically ancient in my mind. Way past childbearing years (or so I thought). I resigned myself to being career focused. Because what else was there?
He moved out officially in August of 2010. I met my true soulmate a little over a month later. And thirteen months after that, in September 2011, I gave birth to twins. Halle and Brighton. My beautiful miracles.
In a moment, everything changed. The family I always dreamed of had been waiting for me… but I had to let go to find it. The universe knew that. And thank God it stepped in when I couldn’t.
I’m forever grateful for that day - the day I finally chose me. The day I walked away from a life I didn’t deserve. The day I made space for the one I always dreamed of.
And no, life isn’t perfect. Far from it. We lost our sweet daughter Halle just 10 days after she was born. We have had our share of curve balls.
But even through that heartbreak, I was still grateful. Grateful that I had someone beside me who didn’t run. A man who knew how to love through grief. Who has never, in nearly 13 years of marriage, raised his voice at me, used profanity, or made me feel small.
A man who still sends “thinking of you” texts during the day after almost 13 years. Who partners with me in every sense. Who made me believe in love again.
A miracle in the mess.
Three children. For the woman who once believed her story was over…Who thought love had passed her by. Who was sure motherhood was no longer in the cards.
Turns out, the universe wasn’t closing the book. It was just turning the page.
Halle. Brighton. And Cameron, my 2nd beautiful son I gave birth to in 2014, at almost 43 years old. Proof that even after the storm, life keeps blooming. Proof that sometimes, what feels like the end… is just the middle of a miracle.
The M Word of the Day?
Metamorphosis.
Because you’re not breaking. You’re becoming.
And if you’re standing in your mess right now, heart cracked, dreams crumbling, unsure how to move forward; this is your reminder:
Don’t count yourself out. Not yet. Your moment could be just around the corner too.